It seems like when you announce you are having a baby, it begins…. The flow of endlessly conflicting information, unsolicited advice on every topic from sleep training to breastfeeding to the best nappy choice. I had a woman walk up to me in the supermarket when I was 30 weeks pregnant and say ‘I just have to tell you, when your baby comes don’t pay for xxxx nappies. They are ridiculously overpriced and xxxx nappy is just as good and so much better value for money!’ I was so dumbfounded that I couldn’t even manage to comment on our choice to use Modern Cloth in preference to disposable, or to mention (it would have been cheeky, I know) how much money she could have saved with her 2 small children if she had invested in some herself. I simply thanked her for her information and went on my way.

Thinking about this experience and the many many others I have had, makes me wonder…. what’s all the fuss about? So many books and DVD’s and classes on the many subjects new parents see themselves facing. There has been so much fear placed around the raising of children that parents to be are doubting themselves so seriously, they no longer trust themselves to do what every other mammal in nature does and what our parents and grandparents did. Anyone ever seen a gorilla mummy to be with a sleep training book in her hands - pre empting her child’s lack of ability to conform to her schedule? I think not.

I agree we live in a different world to our parents and grandparents. There is less extended family interaction as a general rule and so the new mother is often alone in her new ‘job’ while her husband returns to work. Mothering, and fathering, is still an instinctive role. Allowing ourselves to be open to understanding the needs of our child is the only way to feel connected and to really communicate with our infants and small children.

I really wonder if we have forgotten the immense privilege parenting is and that we only have one chance to affect the early learning of our children. Being close with them, carrying them, holding and feeding them is an essential building block to their development as people and their ability to connect with others as they get older. Observations made of orphans in Russia by adoptive parents to be show that the children there, most often in orphanages that are relatively understaffed as are most in developing and poorer nations, are rarely touched, carried or held and suffer from difficulties with bonding of any kind the older they get. Most of the babies are fed from bottles that are held by a staff member who stands beside their crib and holds the bottle, not touching them in any way.

In contrast we look at children in orphanages in places like Vietnam and see, in spite of understaffed situations, that for the most part, the children are loved and cared for as closely as possible in the traditional ways of baby wearing, co sleeping and what we in the west call attachment parenting. These children, when adopted into western cultures and into loving homes are often commented on. How open they are, what beautiful and kind natures they have. How happy they are. This is most often attributed to the home they go into and the loving parents they find there. This plays an enormous role. What should we perhaps also understand about the impact of their infancy on their nature and happiness? Was it vital to who they are now? Did it shape their rapidly developing emotional systems in a way that we may never understand? And is there a lesson in it for all of us about remembering to attend to the needs of our babies before we try and influence them to be attentive to our needs?

I agree entirely there is a place for schedule and routine. Also that this structure gives children a very important sense of security. It helps teach them boundaries and to understand that as much as we love them, the centre of ‘the’ universe they are not. ‘Our’ universe maybe. but not ‘the’ universe :) But I said children, not infants. When I hear parents say that they ’stretch out’ a newborns feed times because it will make them more compliant to schedule or because according to their guidelines for sleep, eat, play timing is more important than the needs of their child, it makes me sad. Having children is such a precious experience, and breastfeeding, or even bottle feeding, is time in which your child is held close to you, they can hear your heartbeat, they can smell you and hear you. How many of you feel comforted to this day by the smell of your mothers perfume or the sound of her voice? I know i do. Imagine the comfort those things give to your infant, who recently was ejected from the only home it had ever known, where it was always warm and the food was on tap (or on cord) and there was no confusion. Into a world that is very different. For some little people, that can take some getting used to.

In saying all of that, I agree there are instances where a very unsettled baby, there are some who are inconsolable, and their mothers will need help. It is fabulous that there is such help available to mothers who are in real need. It is a benefit we experience in our day and age. A necessary benefit, when so much intervention occurs in life, pregnancy, birth and parenting and this may well be the cause for some of the problems we experience. The people who provide these services are incredible and do an amazing job at helping mothers who are stressed out and have lost confidence in their abilities. They give them back the power they need to move forward and regain their sanity as well as their instinct for mothering. There can come a point in a woman’s journey into motherhood where the light dims and feeling trapped in her home alone all day with her baby is a terrifying experience and we commend wholeheartedly those who have taken on helping these women as their life’s journey.

Primarily, however, I have to say that I think that the best thing you can do when you are embarking on the journey to parenting, is look inside yourself, see how different images and ideas make you feel. If the thought of having your newborn sleep in your bed with you makes you nervous, don’t do it. If the idea of listening at the door while your baby cries, trying to figure out why you won’t come and console her when she is scared in the dark alone, makes you cry just at the thought - don’t do it. There are many aids to parenting and schools of thought. Many authors who have claimed to have the solution to all your ‘problems’. Remember to focus on your child as a blessing. They are your world and you are theirs. Feel your way through parenting and go with the options that make you relaxed and comforted. Chances are they will be the right decisions for your baby. Following a schedule is not something a newborn will readily do. If you decide to go down that path, be prepared for some resistance from your little one, who just spent nine months in the womb, partying like it was 1999!